Grandma Love

Her name said it all, my grandmother Myra Lee Love passed away last week, January 29, 2014 (Kansas Day) just two weeks before her 92nd birthday. She was born on Valentine's Day in 1922 in Neosho Rapids, Kansas where she grew up, married my grandpa Roy Levern Love on October 18, 1942 and raised her 5 children on the family farm in the Flint Hills aptly named "Love Hill." I am blessed to be one of her 10 grandchildren and to have grown up under the loving care of this beautiful woman. We always knew we were loved. Of his 5 kids, my grandpa always says "there's not a bad one in the bunch." And he's right. Each one of his kids (my mom, an aunt, and three uncles) is a hard worker, a truly good person, and they love their parents, spouses, siblings, children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews dearly. We all learned from the best.

Though it is truly sad and unexpected to let her go, we can all agree that this is the way she would have wanted it to be. She was able to live her whole life with sound mind, body and her dignity intact. She was a true role model in many ways, as too are my aunts, uncles and cousins. I'm so proud to be a part of this family. And I think what I love most about my family is the lack of drama and the abundance of acceptance. There's not much bickering or fighting of any kind. We all work together to "do what makes sense" --in any given situation, as grandma put it. What I admire most is my grandparents dedication to each other. They were married for over 70 years. Yesterday my husband and I reached our 15 year wedding anniversary milestone. We gave each other our annual "high five" and said "Go Team" as we jokingly do every year but this year was special because even though I had to say goodbye physically to one of the most beautiful people that I look up to on this earth, I know she's still here. She taught me how to love unconditionally and to try my best in life and I know I can get through even the hardest of times when I think of her and all the strength and love she shared with us.

I am so very happy that she was able to meet my girls at Christmas time. She was an avid reader of my blog and couldn't wait to count these girls among her great grandchildren. She accepted them into the family from the very beginning and hoped along with us that they could someday be ours. Her support has given me hope and strength in this long fostering journey that we travel.

Thank you Grandma Love, for all the lives you've touched. You are loved and we miss you dearly.

A New Year, A New Hope

One of the hardest things about being a foster mom is dealing with this horribly helpless feeling that I am powerless to do what needs to be done to take care of these little hearts. I can make sure that booboos are kissed and tummies are fed, hair is combed and clothes are clean, but I can't take away their past neglect and the fact that they are still waiting on the foster care system to decide who their family is. One thing I've learned over the past two years though, is that luckily, little girl's hearts are very strong.

It's been exactly 21 months since two little girls stumbled into our lives and created the most chaos I could ever even imagine. Ok, so some of the chaos is fun and we are all still in one piece and have now softly fallen into the ruts of family routine. It's pretty awesome. I believe that none of us could imagine our lives any differently at this point. We have a huge family-of-five-plus-dog photo up on the wall, Little A calls me mommy, Big A is still holding on to that shred of hope that her parents will pull through and of course that's painful to watch. Disappointments abound surrounding those hopes but she is happy here, and knows she is loved. She's not quite ready to give in fully, and hasn't really been given permission to since this case is still wide open, but as they say, these things take time. That is very true. Even my son H, now 14, is a good sport about these little sisters--they are both lovely and annoying.

Adoption is a word that we've started to hear the social workers say more often. But we are working at the speed of the courts which is a lineup of turtle, ant, sloth, snail, worm, slug, well anyway, you get it. Slow. Learning about how this foster care and adoption process works is confusing enough. But throw in its relationship with the court system and 21 months later I'm still trying to figure things out. Basically we are currently waiting for social services to file for termination of parental rights (TPR) within the court. I have been told they would be filing "any day now" for months. It's like the dangling carrot in our lives. Because once they finally do file for TPR, the court has 90 days within to set a termination hearing. And I was told that the social services agency does not file unless they think they can "win" so when they finally do, it will give me more hope. Now, I still won't believe any of them until I have signed papers in my hands but until then we of course hold onto the hope that things will fall into place eventually. Living in the moment is key here because if I dwell on this too much I go a bit crazy. It's a twisted cycle of fear and hope, much like the plot of a horror movie. I'll delve more into this topic more as we go through the process but basically once the termination happens, then adoption is officially on the table.

Another cycle we have been living with is the bio parents involvement in our lives. It's been a roller coaster ride for the girls as far as their parents are concerned. And in my (humble, ha!) opinion no kid should have to live like this. Apparently the agency doesn't agree with me. For over a year parents had 3 visits a week, supervised by a social worker who picked the girls up, drove them 30 minutes to the visit site, an hour for each visit, then drove them 30 minutes back. That's a 2 hr. chunk of time, 3 days a week. Very exhausting for the girls and especially confusing and discombobulating when parents either called ahead to cancel, cancelled at the last minute when girls were already in the car on their way to the visit, or didn't even bother to cancel and just didn't show up. Essentially what happened would be that parents would do great for awhile, consistently showing up for a couple months or so and then start to show inconsistencies for a couple months and then there would be a few weeks of nothing and then they'd show back up and start all over again. Social workers finally after a year of this cut the visits down to 2 days a week and when school started this past fall they moved the visits locally so that girls don't have the long car ride to endure each time which has been so much better for them. Parents are also required to "check in" each morning before the visit that afternoon. If they don't call and check in by 7am, no visit in the afternoon. This was set up so the girls could start their day knowing what to expect. It's also made a huge difference because it provides another level of consistency that they need so very much. Problem is, bio parents have somehow found a loophole to unravel that consistency. Yesterday they called and checked in so I sent the girls off to school and they were expecting a social worker to pick them up for a visit after school. Parents called and cancelled with social worker minutes before she arrived at school to pick the girls up for the visit. Their excuse to the worker was that they had no money for gas to get to the visit. Social worker called me and she agreed to continue to school and explain to big A that there would be no visit. The standard reason given to kids is that their parent's car broke down. This is to avoid abandonment or rejection overtones but these excuses grow old even on the most patient of children. And no matter how it's presented, it's still gotta hurt her little heart. Every time.

So second weekly visit was supposed to be today. Just as A sat down for breakfast, a text popped up on my phone, she heard the familiar tone and quietly said "I hope there's a visit today." Visit cancelled. "Darn," she whispered. And then started chattering away to her little sister about unicorns. Around here, cancelled visits are as common as conversations about unicorns over breakfast and they don't really miss a beat. After all, there were no visits last week, parents never checked in. So the cycle continues and these kids are smart enough to expect it now. I'm struggling very hard to see how this cycle is beneficial at all to these kids. There is talk of paring down visits to once a week. That would be a godsend. Half the opportunity for disappointment? Sounds like a plan to me. This should be decided on the next court date in a couple weeks, along with the possibility of filing for TPR. These two things are huge in our case. A New Hope.

(Yes, this is a Star Wars reference, if you got it, then you are as cool ((or nerdy)) as me.)

Holding our breath

About a month ago we were told that the girls would be going back to their bio mom in 10 days. We were mad, we were scared. We kicked and screamed, we cried, we couldn't believe it. Then we started to accept it, sort of. And then they stayed.  They are here, safe and sound in their beds at this very moment. No sleepless nights for me to endure yet; wondering if they are scared or hungry or worse.

Days before they were to go back to bio mom we found out she was in some kind of trouble and subsequently didn't show up to a visit, and then missed the next, and I was told all visits were to then be monitored and that the girls weren't going back as planned. Our world had just begun to screech to a halt and then all of a sudden everything was back to as normal as it could be. Summer is here, girls are happy, swimming lessons and field trips at daycare, camping trips and a birthday for Big A. Luckily I had not mentioned the return home too much so the girls weren't caught off guard with the change in plans. Things have been so consistently inconsistent in the past year that I don't often promise things or talk too much about future plans until they are right upon us. Then the girls are less likely to be disappointed and don't have to face as many potential worries. This has also created a level of trust that they have never had before.

There was going to be a week of transition where they were going to spend each day having unmonitored visits with bio mom and spending the nights with us and then they would be gone. A clean break, cold turkey from their life of stability. I cannot adequately describe my relief when I heard they were staying. Whew! Somehow dodged that bullet. Honestly, it's pretty darn close to a miracle if you really think about it. I mean, they could have very easily been put in a very sketchy situation and it was only days away from happening.

I'll admit I had mixed emotions when I finally accepted that they were leaving. Of course I was devastated but also a tiny kernel of relief was in there too. I mean, our old lives back--  sleeping in, no need for a babysitter when we want to go out, no screaming, no whining, just quiet. And as glorious as that all sounds, I was readying myself for a pretty big emotional breakdown after they were to leave. I mean, these are my girls. But I knew I would recover and start over again and in the long run, it would be ok for me. Life goes on. But I was not able to picture a successful life for these girls with their birth mom, no matter how hard I tried and that was breaking my heart. And I acknowledge that it can still happen. My girls can go back to the lady who gave birth to them, the one they call mom and God bless them they love her. But she continually disappoints and chips away at their trust.

I feel guilty when I'm happy after she misses visits (a whole week in a row at present) and I know that she's slipping and most likely the thought of dealing with the burden of her children is sending her back into whatever dark places she's lived in for years. But all I can do is hope and pray that she is not allowed to take them back to that dark place again.

So we are waiting. Again. And just living fully in each moment. We are celebrating Big A's bday this week with a pool party, Little A is talking up a storm and both girls have a peace about them that I am seeing emerge more and more every day. We still have our ups and downs, but they are fewer and further between and a lot less bumpy these days. Though I am truly looking forward to the day when we can breath a little easier knowing they are ours, all we can do is hold that breath for now and wait and see. And of course, back to that livin' in the moment thing and having a little fun in the meantime :)

Happy Birthday Little A!

We celebrated Little A's 3rd birthday a couple weeks ago and it was amazing to see such a star of the show! She reveled in the attention all day long. Such a turn around from last year when she couldn't feed herself birthday cake (or even eat any solid food at all) and had to be fed yogurt instead. One year ago she couldn't make eye contact with any of us let along sing the Happy Birthday song. She didn't have a clue what to do with a balloon. This year she was involved from beginning to end with no major meltdowns, though there was a princess hissy fit at the end when it was nearing very close to naptime. We're talking pink and purple lace and sparkles throw yourself down on the lawn and kick and scream kind of a thing. But it was a normal fit and not that old animal high pitched screamy wailing freak out so it was good.
Two of her preschool teachers who have been with our family from the beginning of this adventure were at the tiny little party, as well as a foster mom friend and a couple of neighbors who popped by. They all showered love and attention on Little A the whole length of the party. She sang right along with us to the Happy Birthday song and beamed that sweet little smile waiting for cake and icecream. And an Elmo balloon was a favorite of hers that day.
She's turned into a beautiful little girl, who's almost talking in sentences and plays and rides a tricycle and is sweet and gentle with the cats. She has grown from what seemed to be a 9 month old level well into a 2 year old level in one year. I'd say that's pretty good. If she keeps going like this, maybe she'll catch up! That is my dream, hope, wish, prayer for her. No matter where she is for her birthday next year, I just want there to be that same little smile on her special day, that smile that says she knows she's loved.

Butterflies

As spring begins we are in sight of our one year anniversary with the girls. I actually can't believe it's been that long. So many days full of learning, growing, loving, and the bad stuff too: anger, frustration, sadness. I can't help but picture them as butterflies emerging because that's what they are to me. They came all rolled up like cocoons and are finally spreading their wings. 

We took them to a party for one of our adult friends the other day. It was at a brewery where they could run around with other kids. A totally normal thing for most families but up until recently we would not have even attempted such a thing with our girls. They smiled, they giggled, they played, they had fun. Like normal little girls at a party. That sounds like such a simple thing, but wow has it taken a long time to get there. 


   We've been told that home visits with the bio mom would finally begin. (Right now visits are supervised by a social worker either in the social services building or out in the community, like a park or fast food place. They will be weekly and supervised by a social worker in the bio mom's home. The first one was this week. And then mom and bio dad (they are no longer together but they share a visit once a week --bio dad only sees the girls once a week) cancelled their scheduled visit the next day.  Both parents are beginning to miss visits more consistently. Pretty much once a week here for the past month. After the bio parents called in this week and cancelled their visit very last minute, (just as the social worker was pulling up to our house to transport the girls to the visit in fact,) I wrote this email to the social workers and Big A's play therapist:

I just wanted to express my concern as to the amount of regularly cancelled visits in the past month or so. The fact that Big A is missing her appointment with the play therapist today also concerns me as I think those are VERY important and necessary. These disruptions in the girls' schedule are noticeable to them and not easy (and not fair in my opinion) for them to deal with. The fact that they have school to go to when the visit is cancelled does help things, but it makes me wonder if they were in the home with mom, would they be missing school, as well as therapy appointments, on these days that she cancels? And it's just a disappointment to Big A every time it happens and this of course does affect her feelings and behavior as well.  I was wondering how many cancelled visits (especially those canceled last minute) does it take before a change in the amount of visits is to occur? 

I also wanted to note, and this is mostly directed at the play therapist but everyone should hear. I am seeing that Big A is starting to seem conflicted which I'm sure is very normal in this situation. Yesterday evening (the girls had their first home visit with mom yesterday) big A told me that she was going to live with me forever and ever. And this was after she talked constantly throughout the evening about her mom and dad and their puppy and house and was very excited about getting to visit there and wanting to live there. She also told me that her room didn't have a bed and that there wasn't a kitchen table (not sure if this is true?) She also wanted me to know specifically that her mom had goldfish and pudding there for her to eat. She also talks about taking our dog to live there which I think is very sweet. I tell her that Superdog lives here with us and is going to stay here and I know that is confusing for her as well. I always listen to her when she talks about mom and dad and return home but I don't comment about return home except to be reassuring when she needs and let her know that she's safe and taken care of right now and it's ok to miss her parents and they love and miss her too, etc...

I also wanted to let you know that Little A was VERY clingy to me yesterday evening and this morning. I'm not totally sure if it was related to the first home visit yesterday but I will keep an eye on that and let you know. She's usually affectionate, but not overly clingy so that change in her behavior was very noticeable. 

Thanks you all, have a great day! :)

Bio mom didn't show up for the visit on Valentine's Day, she didn't call to cancel either so I wasn't able to let Big A down gently, she was slapped in the face with it-- her mom just didn't show up and didn't bother to call. It was heartbreaking to watch the look on big A's face as she stood there holding the valentine's she had made for her mom. We explained that her mom probably wasn't feeling well and I offered her a hug which she took and I whispered to her that her mom loves her very much. Luckily I had special Valentine's Day things already planned that day so I think it helped to take the edge off her disappointment. I've been trying to make a big deal out of the little things, like grade cards, and holidays and other things that the girls haven't really been able to experience before. So many firsts that need to feel special for them...
Later that day Big A told me that she didn't think that her mom was really sick and she asked if I thought that her mom was really sick. I repeated that I didn't think she felt well, but this little girl knows. And the kicker is she longs to be with her mother so much it hurts. I guess it's going to hurt either way, pretty tough situation for a 6 yr. old to be in...

Oh the places you'll go!

You're off to great places, Today is your day! 

Your mountain is waiting, so... get on your way! 

Dr. Suess' birthday is this month so I'll throw out a quote from one of my favorites, "Oh The Places You'll Go!" Plus these words are just so very appropriate to my life in so very many ways. One being the obvious every-day-has-it's-challenges foster mom way but also I have not been up skiing once this season and I cannot hide my jealousy from all those around me who have spent time on a beautiful, cold, powdery mountain lately...

Hello! I'm back here for the first time in 2013! I'm only 2 months late, I'd say that's pretty good for me. :) A short recap: we traveled to Kansas to visit family over Christmas and we all survived! The trip was made less challenging by the loaning of a mini van from friends. It may have seemed a simple thing to them but it was HUGE for us. The trip there and back was smooth sailing thanks to that great big vehicle! We will always remember that trip and will be forever grateful for such kindness. My family was able to meet the girls and get a little taste of our lives. It was a little stressful at times as often change in routine brings but I'm glad we went. I was actually probably more stressed than anyone else. Traveling, family, and exhaustion can do that to a person and I have definitely lost some of my mellowness over the past year, but my whole family put up with me, as well as the girls and their little foibles, and everyone was so supportive and kind. There was some typical two-year old behavior to put up with and I may or may not have thrown a tantrum or two of my own.  Everyone ended up with some type of sickness over the course of the trip and that part was not pleasant, and also the weather was awful. I would say that the proximity to family fully outweighed all the yucky stuff. I was able to briefly visit my grandparents, we were trying to shield them from our germy selves and so I was sad not to get to spend more time with them. We are planning another trip in May so don't worry grandma, I'll see you soon!

Big A is doing wonderful in school. She no longer needs a behavior plan in the classroom and is still well behind her peers as far as great level but she is progressing which means a lot. She's beginning to read some and can count well and is figuring out how to get along with others and is getting pretty good at it! Everyone at her elementary school has wrapped her in loving care and she feels so safe and wanted. It's an amazing thing to see. She's had some ups and downs, recently kissing a boy at school and on the same day telling her best friend she was going to kill her parents. What a day! We talked about both things and made it clear that they were not ok things to do. With consistency, she's beginning to understand consequences and usually learns pretty quickly from her mistakes. She did drop the "F bomb" in the car the other day, luckily she was the only kid in the car with me at the time, and was totally oblivious as to what the problem was. She was commenting on a big cool truck she saw and wanted us to know how awesome she thought it was. Again, a quick explanation of why that word isn't ok was enough, and slowly but surely those old habits are fading.

Little A is beginning to speak more and more each day! She can ask for things and still signs some but is moving on to using her words much more often than not. She loves to repeat everything others say and her favorite thing to do is order the animals around by telling them "no" or "go"! She is very serious about it and it's pretty funny. She is getting ready for potty training and tells me when she's "poopy." :) She is also beginning to interact more with her peers at school and is working on sharing, gentle touches, and polite words. (remember not too long ago when her older sister was working on this?) She has been wearing glasses for awhile now and just got a new pair. She gets lots of attention from the new red pair and really enjoys that. She's also turning in to such a girly girl. If she's grumpy when I wake her up for school in the morning I can usually get her in a good mood by offering a pretty dress or a necklace to wear.

We are moving right along folks! And you may be wondering what the status is. There was a big meeting recently with social workers, us, the bio parents and others involved and it was determined that the girls would be staying with us at least through the summer and we were told that "permanent placement" would be in place for them before school started. (Reunification with the bio parents is still the goal. So they are basically saying, without actually saying it, that if the parents can get their act together and show a basic level of competence, then they will probably get the girls back.) A date was not given but that is the closest thing we have been given in regards to a time line in the past year so we'll take it. I can actually plan out the next few months in advance if I want. I'm not even sure what to do with that!


Bio mom was upset with this decision and thought that she would be getting the girls back in the Spring and actually had an exact date in April that she was expecting them to return home. No one had set this date, or told her of one, or anything, I'm not really sure what she was thinking.  She in turn did not show up for her visit with the girls the next day which happened to be Valentine's Day. I'll talk more about that in the next post and tell you about Big A's heartbreaking response, this post is already to long for it... but I must state the obvious. You are given a chance (well, multiple chances really) to show a minimum level of competence in order to get your kids back and then decide the NEXT DAY to show your incompetence by not showing up to a visit with your kids on a special holiday because you are mad that you can't have them back right now? And there are no consequences whatsoever, except those handed over to your kids, who miss their mom and are sad when she doesn't show up when she is supposed to. This does not make sense to me. But it does. Because nothing makes sense here.

A wise foster mom friend of mine says "the only consistency in foster care is the inconsistency."  So here I am, living on my mountain of inconsistency. We try very hard to create as much consistency, balance, and safety for the girls as we can. It's all we can do for them, and really it's all they, and all kids for that matter, need and want. My foster mom friend also pointed out how confusing it must be for the girls to see the very glaring differences between the home they once survived in and the one in which they now live and thrive. Though they yearn for their parents and what they were familiar with however chaotic, they've grown here with us, and my hope is that we raise their expectations as to what a family should be and about how children are cared for. Kids should not have to demand a loving, caring, safe home. They should expect it, and they should receive it. Every day.

Thank You

Having just celebrated the Thanksgiving holiday with friends and family I wanted to post about things I'm thankful for. It's such a long list I'm not even really sure where to begin but I'll start with my husband. I owe much of our parenting success to the fact that he and I have the same dream in regards to helping foster kids. Fostering is not something a family could do if the parents aren't both in it together. I'm thankful for his support, encouragement, friendship and unconditional love that he gives to me and all our kids. My son is next. He's the best kid ever and I'm thankful, blessed and lucky all in one to say I'm his mom.

With the first two being the most important, the rest aren't in any particular order so I'll say now how thankful I am for our friends. Both far and near, everyone I can call a friend has been nothing but understanding about how unpredictable our schedule can be, how crazy and naughty our kids can be, and the fact that I've become completely neglectful of our friendships. I appreciate you one and all and even though I don't talk to many of you on a very regular basis these days, I haven't forgotten about you and the fact that you are out there and thinking about me means so much and I promise I can feel the love! Keep it coming! Your kind words always mean so much. Know that I miss being able to make plans with you, to hang out and visit and even to be spontaneous. Our social calendar is pretty dusty these days. 

A big thank you goes out to my family who care so much about two little girls that they haven't even met and are so understanding about my constant failure to give them concrete answers on most of their questions surrounding our foster parenting. My family is on my mind so much because they have really seen and felt the results from the sacrifices we make when it comes to being foster parents. Making trips back home, long phone conversations, offers for them to come visit us, birthday and holiday cards, are all much fewer and further between these days. We face a real possibility of not being able to visit for Christmas this year which is hard since my grandparents turn 90 this year and I truly want to visit them more often while I still have them. We visited over the summer but put the girls in respite care not wanting to deal with all the red tape that goes along with trying to take them with us. If we don't get permission to take the girls along but decide to go back to visit family over the holidays, the girls will have to stay in respite care again, which honestly isn't a bad thing. Our favorite and most reliable and willing respite provider is an amazing woman who loves the girls as much as we do. But we would like to be able to have the choice to spend the holiday with them and give our family a chance to meet them. But respite care is a tempting choice because of course, we can always use a break from the chaos. We have been waiting for an answer and will know early next week if the girls will be able to join us to visit family for Christmas this year. The caseworker asked their parents and they said no, (legally they have this right) so now the request will go to a judge to decide in court if it is in the best interest of the kids to spend Christmas with us, the foster parents they've been with for over seven months. And on the other side of it, if we do get the green light to take the girls, we are wondering how we are going to squeeze into our car for the 8 hour trip. My poor son, a teenager squeezed in between 2 car seats containing two unpredictably wild screaming monkeys is definitely a form of torture that we don't want to put him through. Is it better for us to spend the money and rent a van or easier to pay for respite care and an extra week of day care? Scheduling respite care isn't always easy and I haven't done the math on the costs for the van or daycare and I don't really want to until we know for sure what our options are. Not because I hate math (even though I do) but because I don't want to base our decision on how much either choice costs. I want us to do what's best for all of us. And that gets tricky. We might be coming, we might not. We might be bringing our little elves, we might not. So thank you family, for waiting on an answer about our holiday plans. I love you and appreciate your patience so much.

I'm thankful to all the therapists who work so hard to get words out of Little A and encourage her to try new things and help Big A write her name and strengthen her weak muscles. Doctors who prescribe medications and give advice to keep the girls healthy. Teachers and caregivers who tirelessly show effort in patience as they spend each day helping these girls overcome their many delays and social challenges. Case workers who truly care about the survival of these little girls and our success in caring for them are a blessing to the whole system and the only reason I just don't sit down and quit. Our respite care providers and babysitters save my sanity in so many ways and I am so very grateful that it brings tears to my eyes. Fellow foster moms who I can trust to share my frustrations and fears are an absolute necessity that I have recently discovered within this foster parenting process. I've made some very valuable friendships that I thank God for often.

And speaking of God, I am so thankful to have a church that in almost every sermon encourages acts of service in our community and the world. That is what church should be and we are blessed to have an amazing place like Flatirons Community Church that inspires good things. There have been many Saturday nights or Sunday mornings that I have sat in church and heard just the right thing to keep me going. Thank you pastor Jim and Scott.

I recently started a new job and I'm thankful for my husband who told me to absolutely go for it and try something new. And for my new boss who's willing to take a chance on me and my wacky schedule and thinks that stay at home moms like myself are an underutilized resource for business owners looking for competent personal assistants. I appreciate his give and take attitude. So far so good.

And thanks to my blog readers! I think there might only be a few of you but that's alright with me. I know there is at least one (hi Dad! :) I appreciate your listening ear and of course your encouraging feedback. It's been so therapeutic for me to be able to come here and share and vent both the good and bad that I encounter along this foster mom's journey. Thank you all for being beside me, in one form or another, along the way. 

Failed to Death

http://www.denverpost.com/failedtodeath

Warning: I am stepping up on my soap box!

So the Denver Post is uncovering details of massive problems (duh) within the county Dept. of Social Services in Colorado. I just wanted to post the link to the Denver Post's Failed to Death website for anyone who wants to delve into the nastiness. It's pretty heavy stuff. I know they are focusing on death as part of the major problem (which it IS) but I'd also like to see them talk to the good foster parents who are actually making a difference and not starving or killing kids but are caring for and loving their foster kids and also facing a whole other list of challenges within the system. Or what about bio parents who ended up benefiting from the intervention of social workers and those families were put back together and are doing well. I'd actually like to know if there are some success stories out there. Does reunification work? Or show the kids who were adopted within the system by foster parents and their lives were saved from the death that other kids were not. Or lets talk about all the messed up teenagers who languish in the system till they age out and get dumped on the street. There is much to share, both positive and negative that still needs to be heard.

There are also good social workers who still manage to do their jobs even though they are basically handed a big mess right from day one and told to sort it all out and make it work better (sound like the problem of a President you might know??) Maybe they could do their jobs better with a little help from the higher ups. Maybe it starts there. More social workers who just want to make a difference and keep all these kids safe but instead they are forced to sit in a pile of paperwork and push important problems to the side. Why would more social workers even want to enter this broken system? There are also tired, burnt out social workers who obviously aren't doing a very good job. The turnover rate for social workers is extremely high. Can something be done to change that? And why would more good foster parents want to wrap their lives around this mess? We need more help!

Gay marriage, abortion, immigration. These should not be top priorities in this country. Our foster care system should be right up there with all the things that all these politicians like to carry on about. Do we hear politicians stating their views on how to fix the broken foster care system? NO, because it is not even in the top ten or even twenty of their list of concerns. No one is doing anything to fix this. No one big enough anyway. Right now, the federal government says that the ultimate goal in all these cases is to reunite these families. Let the parents get as many chances as it takes to screw these kids up because it is not at all about the kids. Currently the system is set up for the bio parents, not the kids. What's best for the bio parents is of top concern, then the kids come next. Maybe.

There needs to be more accountability for parents who don't take care of their kids. My girls were taken from their home hungry, dirty, exposed to drug and alcohol abuse and were extremely delayed because of severe neglect and complete lack of social exposure. Were the parents jailed, fined, reprimanded, held accountable in any way? No, these parents were given visitation rights before the girls were even assigned a social worker, taken to a doctor for a check up and immunizations, or even seen by a therapist. And now that the girls are thriving because of very hard work on their parts, on the part of my family and friends, teachers, therapists, and anyone who has touched their lives since leaving their birth parents home, now that the girls are doing well, it's time to send them back. And this is the way the system currently works. (Or doesn't work, in my humble opinion...)

I don't have the answers, but I'm here and willing to help by taking kids into my home. To give them a safe and loving place to thrive. And I'd like to see more people join me but I know why they don't. Because it's messy, and scary, and not fun a lot of the time and the things that are happening in this system just don't make sense. Is it too much to ask to try to make sense of this and figure out a way that works? I believe that any way we do it, as long as the safety of these children is the top priority, it could be a way to heal this failure.

Foster Mom Rant

I'm posting an email I just sent to our social worker and resource worker. Hopefully it's not too bitchy..

Thanks for coming over yesterday. It seemed like it had been forever since a home visit and it was nice to see you. 

The only thing I don't like about home visits is that since the girls are in the room I feel like our conversations are rather censored (as they should be!) And so I wanted to say a few things that really weighed on my mind after your visit. The reason I asked if the Administrative Review this week would reveal some type of time line on how much longer the girls would be with us was NOT because I want them returned to their parents as soon as possible. It's the opposite in fact. If you were to ask me (out of earshot of the girls) if I thought they should be returned to their parents my answer would be a resounding NO. There are so many reasons why I feel this way that I'm not even going to list them all. 

My answer lies in the fact that I just can't make my mind stop returning to the state that the girls were in on their first day of placement and seeing them overcome the deplorable state they were in and making so much progress each and every day because they were finally given a fighting chance. It has not been an easy road for them, or me, or my family. And yes, there are days that I probably did want them gone but only for a fleeting moment when behaviors were at their peak (respite was an incredible help) and I never truly thought that I could no longer do this for them. Never. You see, it's not about me, it's not about us as a family. It's about the girls. That is why we are doing this, for them. If we were doing this for us we would have quit after the first two weeks. I hope it has been obvious how committed we are to these girls.

 I feel like if I do not ask specific questions then I won't really get any type of information at all. I think that's one of the most difficult things as a foster parent, being expected to not know. It's something that's expected of us from the very beginning when we get the call asking to take the child/children in with very little information on who they are and what is going on. And it's something that continues throughout the entirety and in many aspects of the case. I get asked various questions on a regular basis about our foster care situation, by my husband, by family, by friends, other foster parents, teachers, therapists, etc. And most of my answers to their questions are "I don't know." I just want you to realize how frustrating that is and how much it makes it feel like we are living our life as a family in limbo. I'm not asking for this to change because I know that you can't provide many answers, I get that. I realize that this is part of the package that comes with being a foster parent. I've accepted that and learned to live with it. Just realize that it's difficult not knowing how the case is progressing, where things are heading, and even how to plan things in the immediate future. 

And please know that when I seem frustrated it's more about the situation as a whole, mainly the not knowing, and not about the specific challenges we face with the girls themselves. We have a pretty good routine down around here and though it just got rocked by the therapy and family visit changes and transitions we are rolling with it and trying to see the positive things that can come from these changes. That's all we can really do is look at the positive side of things. When I don't focus on the positive my mind goes to the day in the future when the reunification process begins. It's much to painful to go there and it's just another unknown that haunts our future and makes me so very sad for these little girls. I realize that reunification is the ultimate goal and I hope that the parents are working on improving things. Again, I don't know anything specific on how things are going on that front and so I have a hard time picturing reunification in a positive light. 

I also want to point out that I think you two ladies are doing the very best job that you can do with the time and resources that you have been given. Don't think you aren't appreciated because you are and without you who knows where these girls would be now. You have some of the hardest jobs out there in my opinion. Hopefully reading this rant can help you see where I'm coming from a bit and that will make it easier to put up with me. :) 

Thanks for listening.

Then & Now

So the girls are finally getting some much-needed therapy services and it's about freaking time excuse my mom-cussing self! Little A has had some therapies going for a few months but Big A has had nothing till now. And boy is it gonna make my life even crazier than it is, if that is even possible. I'm trying to add in speech, occupational, and physical therapies onto an already full schedule. And getting kids to three different schools already. I'm not sure how this is going to work but we'll see. I made the call to a housekeeper today. I feel failure-ish on the housewife side of things because I just can't seem to get this house clean and keep it managed but H has been encouraging me to do this so I'm gonna go for it. I will say again how impossible all this would be without the support of my husband. This fostering thing is not easy, and sometimes it is pretty hard on our family, and our marriage. But his amazing support allows us to help these little girls. When people give him props on "this amazing thing you and your family are doing for these little girls" or something similar, his response is "It's not about us." And as hard as it is some days, he's absolutely right. If we were doing this for us I'm pretty sure we would have quit years ago.

I think I'll take the time to go back to the beginning.

We received a call from a SW looking to place two little girls. We knew very little, one was almost 6, one was almost 2 and they were sisters. A domestic violence situation had occurred in the home resulting in the girls being removed and needing placement. (They were both experiencing severe neglect but it was the DV incident that brought to the attention of authorities initially. Social Services chose not to return them to the home once the neglect was determined. But really, it could have been years before the neglect was noticed and reported. Big A was 5, almost 6 and should have been in Kindergarten. Her mom told SS that she couldn't send her to school because she wasn't yet potty trained.) When you get these calls, you almost never know if the placement will last for days, weeks, months, or years. You also don't get many details at all besides ages and gender. And you have to make a snap decision based on this non-information. I got the call, called H and he said, sure, let's go for it. (He has since said that I am never to do this again --call him at work when he is busy and expect a yes or no answer without really discussing it. Oops. And ya, I totally agree with him, 6 crazy months later... We learn something new with each placement. We are slow learners and these are big lessons!)

When the girls arrived the day after we got the call, they were a little wary of us but also very curious and immediately adorable although we would find out soon they were not always adorable. (Ha! ;) Little A was squirming in the placement workers arms which I later realized was because she just wasn't really used to being carried around and so didn't know how to be held. And screaming. Oh The Scream. I really do believe it is made up of the highest-pitch I am able to hear with my own ears. Well, at least I used to be... There for awhile I had to start wearing ear plugs because my ears were ringing during and right after The Scream. Lately she is able to communicate better and is just more balanced overall and so we don't hear The Scream as much thank the Holy Lord God Almighty. She would pull that sucker out at any ol random time she saw fit and just go to town on my (and anyone else within a square mile) eardrums. I really do believe that if she was still using that regularly on a daily basis like she used to I really would have been driven crazy. I was close. But things are better now and I think we are all not sad at all to see The Scream go. Or at least decrease dramatically.

Big A had/has long blonde hair (which is still the bane of my existence, maybe best saved for another post...) and a very sweet smile that was worn only for special occasions at first. She was VERY hard to understand and it took us weeks of careful listening to begin to understand much of what she said. And that was kind of a good thing at first because she would tell the dog to "get out of my f#$%ing way" among other gems of foul  language and so I was glad that most people couldn't understand that. She would also hit the dog and cats and grab at them and push them and pull tails and ears so I had to watch her every second for months. My old cat Jainey started hanging out in the laundry room all day just to avoid being abused. That part was really hard for me because I could tell the animals weren't happy with the situation there for awhile and that just wasn't fair to them and of course they didn't understand why this was happening.

Big A's verbal skills increased quickly within months because really, her speech was so poor she had no where to go but up. We believe it may just be because she didn't have anyone to speak to and wasn't spoken to all that much. The fact of the matter is we don't know. Both girls were isolated and neglected but to what degree we don't know. Neither had been to a park, the grocery store, the pool, the mall, the library, a friends house, birthday parties, a restaurant, etc. All the places where all kids go on a regular daily basis were totally foreign to them. I only know this because their reactions to our first visits to all these places was pure awe. Big A did not know how to act around other children or any social situation for that matter. The first time she met another girl her age, (Thanks KR for bringing L and C over to meet the A's. And thanks AJ for inviting us over to play with your kiddos too! I'll also take this moment to say this fostering stuff would be impossible without friends and family to support us!) she walked over and pulled her hair and proceeded to jump all over the living room and furniture like a wild monkey. It's the only description I have to describe her actions. It was terrible and amazing.

They really did act feral and as much as I hate to say that, it's true. And so sad. Little A didn't move (voluntarily) from our front entry way for weeks. She just wouldn't really walk or run around at all. She would stand and rock from one foot to the other and wiggle her fingers in front of her face and hum and avoid eye contact completely. She liked to stand at the door and stare out of the window for as long as we'd let her. No smiling, no talking, no laughing. The first few times we took her to the park she refused to move away from the stroller and preferred to stand there and play with the clips and straps on the stroller. It took many visits before she would even try to use the play equipment. She would also (and still does) rock in her pack and play crib at night for hours (it's much less time now, thank goodness.) She couldn't feed herself and would not eat solid foods. Not even a cheerio. We had to spoon feed her baby food. She still drank from a bottle and wouldn't take a sippy cup. She didn't even know how to hold on to a cracker and take bites and chew and swallow it.

Neither girls were used to wearing clothes and so it was a big adjustment for them. Potty training for big A was challenging but she was so ready for it that she caught on fast. Big A didn't know how to dress herself and it took lots of coaxing. She still is afraid of buttons and snaps. She tells me they're bad. Zippers, for some reason are fine. (Which I find strange because zippers seems scarier than snaps and aren't buttons cute? I guess I don't know.) But she will dress herself now and doesn't have to always be wearing shoes every minute of the day like she did when she first came. She would put on her pink converse high tops in the morning and would obsessively refuse to take them off till it was time to go to bed. Still not really sure why she did that. She would also stand inside her bedroom door in the mornings whispering "Please let me out, please let me out" over and over. Over time and with much reassurance she realized that it really was ok to come out of her room in the morning to use the potty. She would also ask me every night at bedtime (for months) if I was going to wake up in the morning. After awhile she changed that question to a statement. "You're going to wake up in the morning."

Both girls are easily overstimulated, can't really focus on anything for very long at all and do best with a very regular and consistent schedule. Sometimes one little change, like their birth mom not showing up for a visit or being in a new environment, meeting new people, or even taking a different route to get somewhere will set one or both of them off in some weird way and I can never really predict when things will melt down. (They have three parent visits (monitored by SW's) scheduled weekly and this schedule was put into place within a week of the girl's placement in foster care. The parents, who took such poor care of these girls that they are so emotionally, physically, and socially delayed that they NEED this therapy-- therapy that took between 4 and 6 months to begin-- were given these visits immediately because it's their "right." What I want to know is what about the rights of these girls? I still think that the system is so broken because of this backwards way of thinking.)

They still don't really know how to play with toys or use their imaginations and they mostly just follow me around the house and fuss when I'm not right next to them. I did hear Big A playing in her room the other day during quiet time and I was all excited except then I heard her dollhouse daddy say to the dollhouse mommy "You f#$%ing bitch!" I was proud of her though because 1. She was playing! and 2. She told the dollhouse daddy "That wasn't very nice." See, she's catching on to this manners thing! She does sometimes play with a toy horse collection she has, but they always fight aggressively which is disturbing but hey, she's playing!

Now some good news. Big A is so much easier to understand and even has friends at school. She got over some pretty big behavioral issues and can now function in a regular kindergarten classroom. She LOVES school. Before Kindergarten started she was in preschool over the summer to prepare her and boy did it make a huge difference. They helped her learn to share, take turns, use manners, etc. I give much credit to the preschool and their staff for the amazing support of both of these girls. Without that place it would have taken much longer to get them to the social level that they are currently at. Big A started in a class with 3 year olds so that she could catch up to them and move on, Little A started with the 1 year olds. The school took on the challenge with open arms and surrounded the girls with love and support and taught them how to live like little kids should. Both girls are now in classes with their appropriate peer groups. Little A can now feed herself regular 2 year old foods, drink from a cup, and she can even say a handful of words and sign a few of them. She runs around and loves to make eye contact and smile and laugh and hug and sing. She loves my son Little H :) and he has taught her to high-five and recently the fist bump which is simply the cutest thing ever. She can swing and slide and loves the park. Big A loves the park and shopping, ballet club at school, and even hiking. She smiles a lot more and though is serious much of the time, she actually has a funny little sense of humor sometimes. She and Super Dog are pretty good friends these days. :)

Vodka goes in the freezer

You can learn a lot from a 6 year old foster daughter.

 A few days ago H (my son- 12yrs old, almost 13) asked if he could have a glass of cranberry juice with his dinner and as he's pouring it, Big A informs him that vodka goes in cranberry juice. Oh yay, now H will have something fun to share with his friends. Great. It actually wasn't the first time I'd heard her say that but now that her speech is clearer it's harder to miss the inappropriate things she says. I interjected and said that vodka is actually not for kids but that juice alone is ok and closed the subject, or so I thought.  We don't drink alcohol very often at all but I got a bottle of vodka recently to go with some grapefruit and cranberry juices I bought because it sounded good! (Plus having 3 kids just makes me want --need?-- to drink sometimes. Don't judge.) Mind you, I do not talk about drinking alcohol and I keep it out of reach and put away up in a high cabinet. For the sake of time I decided to put the vodka next to the juice in the fridge. No sooner had I done so, I hear "Vodka goes in the freezer."  I hadn't said anything about it being a bottle of vodka but obviously she had seen one before and knew what it was. A tiny little blond girl knows what a specific type of alcohol bottle looks like and knows what to mix it with. Maybe she'll be a fabulous bartender someday?

And at least she's not telling the dog to get out of her f*&%ing way anymore... (yep, she did that in the first few weeks she was here. She also acted like a wild monkey in many ways, because she pretty much was, due to some pretty severe neglect and isolation but I'll post more on that another time...) I have to seek out the humor in our lives right now, otherwise it's just overwhelmingly depressing because we don't know what's going to happen in the future of these girls. Plus things are just hard and challenging a lot of the time and if I don't laugh I'll cry. I have a huge list of challenges that we deal with on a very regular basis but one that relates to this post so far is the hyper-vigilance that Big A carries around with her everywhere. She is kind of like a puppy around the house and follows me everywhere. She always is asking where everyone is (immediate family members that aren't home in the moment) and wants to know what they are doing and she always asks me what I'm doing whether it's obvious or not. She calls out for me if I leave the room. She won't really allow herself to be in a room alone unless it's bedtime or quiet time. She also can't really sit down and focus on a task or play with a toy or game for more than a couple of minutes. She will watch TV for as long as I let her and so I have to limit myself, as it's the only way to get anything done around here!

If I get to the car before her and open the door first she panics until she can get her door open and get in the car. Once we park she immediately asks if I'll open her door (child locks are on) because she's worried I am going to leave her in the car. She's also always worried that I'm going to leave her home alone and is usually a little panicked when we are headed out the door and outside to the car. I'll also say, she's not verbal about these fears and worries. It's taken a long time to figure out what causes her to freak out. I now know more or less her list of worries and that has helped a lot.

She also asks "Why?" to everything I say. She used to say "What?" to everything I said, wanting me to repeat it back. When I stopped repeating she eventually stopped saying "what?" thank goodness! And her first answer to questions and instructions is "no." Every time. Even if it's something she wants or likes she will almost always say no first, then yes. I like to call her Major Contradictor. I admit, she is a tough nut and hard to like sometimes. She doesn't want to be here, she thinks her abusive and neglectful parents walk on water and does not understand at all why she can't be with them. Up until recently she didn't even like to refer to me as her "foster mom" and would always instantly correct anyone who referred to me as her mom. Now that she understands the term "foster mom" a little more she is more open to it but it has to be that specific and will not let anything else slide. I wonder if it's an instinctual thing, to cling to your parents no matter how neglectful and abusive they are?  Like in caveman days, the little caveman children would follow their parents along so they could be fed and kept alive. An instinct of survival.

I actually think that watching her little sister bond with us has helped her to be more open to us emotionally and she is able to trust us more which is nice to see. She is by no means a "monster child" (said for the benefit of my foster mom friend L :) and does have a very sweet side which is so very nice to see when she's willing to share it. She is starting to trust but she still watches my every move and asks me why I'm doing things. I'd give you an example but it really is anything and everything you could think of. And she likes to tell me what she thinks I'm doing wrong. And those are usually funny. Like vodka goes in the freezer... :)

Today

My friend M encouraged me to just write and don't post chronologically (I had to use spell-check to get that right!) and I'm taking her advice. I think that's part of why I haven't blogged is because I used to journal and then sit down and copy it here. All in order, nice and tidy. Since I don't deal with tidy anymore (I'm changing diapers again people!) I'll just toss my old ways.

I don't journal anymore because my brain is too fried at the end of the day! I bought a new, shiny, cute little journal months and months ago and it sits empty and blank on my bedside table. I look at it, if that counts! But usually that makes me feel guilty about not writing so I just don't even look at it most of the time. I'm pretty sure it has a fine coat of dust to keep it company. It hasn't started whispering to me yet so I take that as a sign that i'm still mostly sane, just too lazy and unmotivated to write. Yay me!

So here I am, with 2 little girls. Sisters. I'll call them Big A (6 yrs. old) and Little A (2 yrs.old) here for the sake of privacy. We are well into the easier stretch, past the honeymoon and it's being over and the crap that goes with that. A peace has come with school starting and implementing a very predictable schedule. Finally. I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it for much longer, they were very high needs at first and being that we didn't have much experience with this, it was hard-- In a much different way than fostering has been hard in the past. This young age is a lot different and both girls have a lot of difficulty with communication and that has been a big problem. But we are all figuring each other out and that is comforting.

Today they have been here 5 months. It's a bittersweet time because we have worked hard for and established some consistency for them and so they are a little happier, a lot healthier, and making up for lost time on so many fronts. Too be honest they are two completely different kids from the ones that showed up on our doorstep. I'll talk about that more in another post, or two or three. It's a big story. Their improvement is the sweet part. I think the bitter part is the fact that there is talk of returning them "home" (a very relative term. In this case it means back to their birth parents who did not take good care of them) by the end of the year. And that fact in itself is also bittersweet (maybe I should change the name of this post?) because sometimes they are just. so. hard. We are at a point where if we get too much more attached to these little gals, it's gonna get way harder emotionally.

I can feel the turning point and it's now, today, last week, next week, tomorrow, I'm not sure. We've tried to create a safe and secure life for them and intertwined our hearts in the process and they thrive here even as they long for their parents who didn't care for them. It's so darn painful to watch. Can I use that word again, Bittersweet?

I should blog

So even my dad is asking me to blog so I probably should. I have 5 months of fostering to catch up on and am a little overwhelmed by the idea of documenting everything because it is ALOT! Just wanted to share that i will be getting started soon. Maybe this post will be a good start. I'm just so far behind! Ugh! I have no point to this post other than some motivation for myself by typing a few sentences... Who's listening here? (just wondering...)

On we go

I'm just going to admit now that I've been in a funk. I've avoided writing because it's painful and often scary to share my thoughts and feelings. But today, in this new year, hopefully I can convince myself to consistently write. It's what I really need even though it's not always what I want.

The good news is we have healed and rested and are ready to foster again. My great fear was that we were done and that just didn't feel right to me. It felt like the abandonment of a dream, the loss of purpose in our lives. But time heals all wounds. I feel like we learned SO much and have lowered our expectations. I also feel like the lowering of expectations isn't always a bad thing. In our case, it will just make things easier and still fulfill our goal of helping kids. We aren't so concerned about the whole adoption thing. If it happens great, if it doesn't, fine. We just want to put ourselves out there and see what comes along. We've done a little respite care which is basically babysitting for other foster parents and that has been nice.

I'm going to copy from my journal an entry that I wrote a couple months ago. I want to make clear that we aren't some big religious family. I was raised going to church and my husband wasn't. Over the years I've done my fair share of questioning everything that I was ever taught growing up and I think I've settled into a good place. We found a church we really like that is all about helping the community. Ironically enough over the years they have become big advocates for fostering and adoption and I think that has kept our chins up through all the doubts we've had in our foster care experiences...

Each Sunday as I sit in church I find myself feeling that conviction (such a "church" word) to foster children. I just can't shake this feeling that there's a child out there meant for us. One that will be a perfect fit. I don't mean that it will be easy. No, taking in a broken child is never easy. But I just feel like God has a plan, and that child will make his or her way home. To OUR home. And his or her life will be changed for the better and we will just know that it's right. I don't want to give up on that dream. The loss of that dream weighs heavy on my heart. What if we miss it? What if we wait too long? What if we've already waited too long and that child is gone? Lost. Maybe K was it. We've certainly lost her. I feel a hole was left and that it's meant to be filled again. And the longer we sit and mourn that loss, the longer the next child must wait. All these children sit and wait. They waited through abuse and neglect and they wait to be loved. Most give up. I feel responsible in a way. How many kids gave up today? That little light in their eyes puffed out because they just couldn't take it anymore? I feel like not giving our home, our hearts, we are in essence taking away from what they deserve. Just a home, just a family who loves them. This basic right so many of us take for granted. I know it's not everyone's "calling" to be foster parents. But I do believe it's mine and right now as I go through my simple life that's quiet and slow, I feel sad. If you don't have a purpose to your life, what do you have? I guess I just don't feel like I'm living...

So obviously I was feeling a little dramatic when I wrote that but it felt good to get it out on paper. I have felt a little lost lately. Like I'm a bump on a log and writing this stuff helps motivate me. By nature I am a very lazy person. Although I think that laziness is fueled by depression. Or vice versa? That's frustrating.

unhappily ever after

I would like to say that things are ok; that K was offered rehab and jumped at the opportunity to straighten out her life. But no, things are not ok. K ran away, literally ran out the door and out of our lives the moment she found out she was headed back to the group home. We sat and watched her go and were bewildered by the look of uncertainty on the faces of the social workers who asked us to surprise her with the news. It hit me later that they have no idea what they are doing. (I can sometimes be slow on the uptake.) It was like slow motion watching them look at each other and then discuss the idea of going after her. They walked out the door and up the street a bit, coming back moments later saying they didn't see her. Pardon my lack of refinement here but "No shit you didn't see her. She was RUNNING!" I said that it my head but wanted to scream it. Helpless, scared, angry, relieved, guilty, numb... My emotions were roiling and almost two weeks later they still are.

We were told that she is no longer our problem and that it is not our job to look for her. We packed up her things and they will be put into storage presumably along with the sparse belongings of other runaway foster kids. Most kids get moved around with their belongings stuffed into garbage bags. That's how K moved in and I couldn't bear to pack her things that way. I used boxes, plastic bins and some suitcases. I thought it would make me feel better, to pack it all up and end the chapter. But she hasn't returned and we are left without any type of closure whatsoever. I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm worried. Everything she owns still sits in her room waiting for the social worker to pick up --it's almost like an open wound in a morbidly over-dramatic way... And the reality is K probably won't come back to retrieve her things. She's been on the run before and knows how to survive with the clothes on her back and help from friends. She changes friends often though and I can't imagine that living this way is really any way to live. Hopefully she just gets tired of it before she gets into too much trouble.

When the social workers returned a few minutes later from their "chase" or "search" or whatever it could pathetically be called, they told us to call the police to report her missing. They also recommended that we have her phone turned off immediately and that we change the locks on our doors. There was worry that she may be angry enough to come back and cause trouble. We have a security system on our house that we installed because K was consistently sneaking out at night. We eventually became so frustrated with her lies, broken promises and lack of regard for her safety and ours that we had a system installed on all our windows and doors. We were finally able to sleep at night knowing K was safe inside and our home was locked up tight. For months I had lain awake at night wondering if K was in her bed with the window locked or had she sliced through the screen again and left without even closing the window behind her. I was so sleep deprived that for awhile I felt like I had when my son was a baby and woke me up several times a night. -Delirious, cranky, and exhausted. Not a good combination for maintaining sanity, especially when trying to survive along side a troubled teenager. Anyway, though we now had the security system it still didn't help with our peace of mind. We were told she could possibly come back and seek some sort of revenge and we were freaked out.

When the police officer arrived to file the missing person report, his lack of interest was clear. Halfway through asking questions he received another call and he jumped at the chance to leave, saying he'd call us soon. A seventeen year old runaway in the foster care system is unfortunately not top priority. I am sure that file is sitting in a stack somewhere and will only be looked at if K does something to get into trouble with the police. That is really the only way we can hope it works out. She currently has warrants pending for uncompleted community service. If she's found by police she'll be held in juvenile detention (again) and then placed in a group home (again) and be placed on probation (again) instead of rehab which she needs most. I'm tired of writing this story. It's just too sad on so many different levels...

The day she ran I got a call from the social workers in the morning saying they had gone to the school to pick her up but she wasn't there. Not a surprise to me but I was surprised by a text from K asking for money to go to a movie. (Have I mentioned the fact that by now I don't believe a word she says?) That teenage (and probably stoned) brain didn't register that 1. I hadn't given her much money directly besides a small allowance since she'd stopped taking the drug and alcohol tests we'd requested of her. 2. She hadn't done any of her chores that week and 3. She hadn't attended any of her classes that day. Seriously, I wanted to shake her and say REALLY!!?? The social worker told me they were planning on removing her from our home that day and I was to try to get her there without mentioning that fact. I texted K back asking what time she wanted the money. She said told me and I said I'd be home then. K hadn't spent much time at home besides to sleep for the past month or so. It was rare for her to return home in between the time school let out (though she rarely actually went to class) and her 9pm weeknight curfew. When she did it was usually just for a few minutes to change or grab something to eat. She hadn't joined us for a family meal in quite a few weeks.

When K walked in the door she was flummoxed. She practically babbled, standing there with her mouth hanging open unable to comprehend why the social workers were there, H was home way early from work and I wasn't standing there waiting cash in hand to fund her "movie" (again, REALLY??!!). She was asked to sit down and listen and she did. This reeked of an episode of "Intervention" just without the wonderful opportunity for rehab or anything that would actually help her. She was confused and unsure of what to expect. The social worker mentioned that things hadn't been going well lately to which K agreed. H and I, who had spent the past hour trying not to hyperventilate, took turns explaining that this had been an extremely painful decision and that we were very worried about her, she needed more help than what we were able to provide. "This isn't working for you or for us," we said. We told her that if our birth son was struggling we would do everything possible to get him help. We told her we love and care for her but that she could no longer stay with us. She stood up and asked where she was being taken. When the social worker moved to block the doorway she told K that she would be going back to her former group home. K pushed her out of the way and ran. She hasn't returned and we are left without any type of closure whatsoever. I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm worried. I'm also troubled by this question: Why would we ever want to do this again? Not only is K a victim in this broken system but so are we.

PS:

My 16 yr. old, sweet cat Buster went missing about a week after K left. Coincidence? Maybe. She had really liked him and called him her boyfriend. Since she has a history of stealing from us I wouldn't put this past her at all and at the same time I really want to think that I'm wrong and just being paranoid. The very hard part is that I really don't know at all where either of them are. K was with us for 10 months and I do feel a loss, but I've had Buster for 13 years. That loss is so much more painful, not only because he has been with me for so long but because he loves me.

A tragic love story--Part 3

By the end of that first meeting, we looked around at everyone ("Team K" we eventually named the group), and asked when we could meet her. There was a collective relief felt round the table. Shoulders relaxed as they realized this meeting had not been yet another wasted hour of their time. I can't even imagine how many meetings these social workers sit through along with prospective foster parents that end in shaking heads and no responses. We where IN and ready to go. We wanted her.

Waiting anxiously to hear when we could meet her, I got a call a few days later asking how our decision-making was going and did we have any questions. I guess they just didn't believe us. I assured the social worker that yes, we want to meet K as soon as we can.

And now, as I sit here today I recall my conversation with that same social worker last week. "How soon can you take her?" We are calling it quits. We want her out before it gets worse. I have to think that if our birth son was consistently and increasingly skipping most of his classes, not taking his medications prescribed by a psychiatrist, doing drugs and drinking, had stolen from us, disregarded house rules on a constant basis, and was being disrespectful toward us in the way that K has been for months, that we would have him out of our home and in rehab as fast as we could.

We've made the decision not to wait and see how things go any longer because we can see that they are not going well. In fact we have allowed this to drag out too long. We can continue to sit and wait or we can help her along to rock bottom by kicking her out. We can let her bring us down with her and ruin any desire for us to ever foster again or we can take a break for awhile, stand back up, brush ourselves off and think about the possibilities of trying to help other kids.

They've already asked us to hold on for another week until they can plan a meeting. Nope, we're done. Find a place that can take her and hopefully help her and come get her before she goes down big. And I just have a feeling that if we get to that point it will be a scary place. In the meantime we sit and wait and hope for the best. For the county, a foster home is cheaper than rehab and that is what K so desperately needs. We've learned a simple thing. We are not rehab. This was a big experiment gone wrong. We are a tragic love story with an unhappy ending. A loving family can obviously only get her so far. She cannot love herself if she is abusing drugs and alcohol. And if she does not love herself she certainly can't love us. Not matter how much love and care we try to give to her.

Sadly, I still have no answers on how to fix all that is broken; these kids, this system, and foster parents like us who have tried to help in the poorest of circumstances. Did we fail? I don't think so. We tried to show her what a normal, stable, loving home looks like. And in that sense I believe we succeeded.

A tragic love story -Part 2

We have been in the foster care system for several years now. Sometime soon I'll post the story of how we got into this business (we're crazy??!!) but for now I'll just explain that it's a long tedious process involving a home study where they put you under a microscope, ask about all your dirty little secrets and to also empty out all the skeletons in your closet (enough cliche's there?). It's not the most fun process and also involves re-certifications each year. They have to weed out all the freaks and serial killers. We passed their inspections and we waited. See, we wanted to adopt a little girl. There was sure to be a little girl out there, ages 4-8 who needed a home right? It proved to be much more complicated that we thought and so we decided to do an emergency placement for a 7 year old girl who was removed from her drug abusing mother. They called us desperate because although they knew we wanted a girl who was legally free, they had exhausted their emergency list and hoped we would cave which we did...We had her for 3 months before she was returned to her father. It was emotional roller coaster (notice a trend?) but we learned a lot (again that damn trend...) and decided to do something absolutely insane and foster a teenager. At the time it seemed like a good idea. I still stand by my stance that these kids are forgotten and they need help. We decided to give it a try.

So back to my tragic love story...
Around the same time that K was asking her social worker for a new placement, we had called social services letting them know that we were tired of waiting for a little girl who was legally free to adopt and we had interest in providing a home to a teenage girl. I had been reading about how disposable teens are in the system, especially older one's who age out at 18. (I really need to stay away from non-fiction. There are certain topics that get me too riled up.) Most of them end up on the street or in jail or back with their parents who abused and neglected them. We knew that there would be a large group of kids that we would not be able to take into our home. Because of our young son we had some parameters. She had to want to be in our home. We didn't want to create chaos from the beginning by taking in a habitual runaway. K had never attempted to run away from the group home. She ran away from her mother's home to avoid abuse. Since then she had mostly thrived and shown promise in a stable environment. She was sweet, caring, smart, funny and quite charming. Not to mention absolutely beautiful with a captivating smile. Besides wanting to be in our home, we were looking for a girl who wanted to be a good big sister to our son. K again fit this mold. She had left behind a younger brother around our son's age whom she had practically raised herself and dearly missed. We also said that we didn't want any active drug or alcohol use or abuse to take place in our home. Although K had recently had a slip with alcohol use, it was attributed to the fact that living in the group home was causing her to experience depression and act out in negative ways. When we got the call about K the week after letting them know about our change of status, they were excited to tell us about her. She fit our list of criteria. She had made some mistakes but just needed help. A stable home to take her in and give her what was lacking from the group home, and especially her birth family-- unconditional love. And what a match, because we had so much to give!

We started getting phone calls daily from the placement worker (social worker who assists in finding families for specific kids) ans she set up a meeting to involve K's team: the group home director, K's social worker, our resource worker (our family's personal social worker), K's GAL (attorney), K's probation officer, and K's therapist. We had been able to hear a relatively complete background on K from her social worker prior to that first meeting so we weren't really surprised by much of the negative things they had to say about her. In fact, we were surprised that they had many more positive things to say. Each person at the table was excited to tell us about what a great girl she was. And looking back I don't believe that anyone was trying to deceive us. They were open and honest about K's problems but were also optimistic that she just needed a loving family to lead her on her way to a life she deserved. Her GAL said the most touching words that day and we knew right then that everyone around the table just wanted to try and help this girl. "We have failed her and I am ashamed," he said. He didn't believe that K was a girl meant to live in a group home and her potential was being wasted there. He thanked us for our consideration and expressed his happiness for this possible opportunity for K.

Our big question for everyone at that meeting was if she is as great as everyone says, why is she in a group home and not already in a foster home? The answer was simply that most foster homes aren't willing to take in teens. At the time, I just could not understand this. These children are discarded by their parents who either aren't able or aren't willing to take care of them and our society shuns them, putting them in various institutions only to turn them out when they are considered legal adults at age 18. And for these kids, 18 isn't anywhere close to adulthood. They are sent out with little or no direction or help of any kind. This is not ok with me! This system is broken. We need to step up and help. These are children for god's sake. Children who had absolutely no say in who they are born to and no choices at all in who cares for them. The only choice they have is who to love and sadly by the time their parents are finished with them and they are forced into this broken system, most of these kids become incapable of giving or receiving love.

We found this out the hard way. I hate to ruin the end for you but our love story ends with broken hearts.

A tragic love story -Part 1

"I'm done." I called K's social worker and greeted her with those words. "You're done," she replied. Not a question in her voice but a statement. The relief of knowing that she instantly understood the exact meaning of my few words was huge, but even bigger was the sadness I felt after uttering those words. I started out with such a big heart in all this but as I look back on the past year I feel it's shrunk a little. Luckily it is not broken yet and a little time for healing will sure help. More posts to come soon but here's the first installment:

Ten months ago we met a girl named K. She was 16 years old and had been living in a group home for girls for the previous six months. She ended up there after running away from home to get away from the abusive man that her mother was dating. Her mom took that opportunity to move out of the state. K was just 15 years old then and went "on the run" with her drug-dealing teenage boyfriend. Months later they were pulled over by police, the car was searched, drugs were found and the boyfriend was carted off to jail. With no parent to claim her K was put in a detention center for underage criminals where she spent two weeks before her mother was located and gave permission for her to be transferred to the group home. K wasn't a criminal necessarily but she had struggled with drug and alcohol abuse issues most of her teenage life so by 16 she was in dire need of rehab, but rehab is expensive. She went to live with ten or so other girls with varying degrees of traumatic histories. Some girls had stories similar to K's but most were much worse. Most were from terminated adoptions meaning they were probably in the foster care system from an early age, eventually adopted and then abused or neglected again in their adoptive homes where they were then removed. It's a place for the unwanted. Girls here cut themselves, scream in their sleep if they sleep at all, physically, emotionally and verbally abuse themselves, the staff, and each other. It is not a fun place, often not a safe place and certainly not a place anyone would want to call home. These girls are broken and most are deemed unfix-able. They have experienced the worst abuses from the hands of those meant to care for them.

But sometimes a girl will surprise the staff. She'll surprise her social worker and her attorney and her teachers. K quickly exceeded expectations of the group home. They implement a "levels" system allowing the girls extra privileges and freedoms as they show competency with their assigned chores, completed school work, attitudes and interactions with others. She was doing everything they asked including making excellent grades. She had never done this before in her mother's care. This was a sweet kid who's mother had neglected her and then abandoned her and she was now thriving in a structured environment.

K had been in the group home for five months and was starting to stumble. She had found a job at a fast food restaurant up the road and was out of the house a lot working and still maintaining her good grades and keeping up with the house expectations and had earned certain freedoms. She came home drunk one night and the police were called. She was given a ticket for underage drinking resulting in a fine and community service. She was accused of stealing something from another girl in the house but nothing could be proved so she was eventually presumed innocent. She was caught trespassing with another girl on the property of a nearby business and was given a ticket for that as well. She became depressed and stopped caring about her exemplary standing in the house. She began to push away staff she was close to as well as friends she had made in the house. She called her social worker for help. It's possible she called her and used words similar to those I just used. "I'm done," was the gist of what she said as she pleaded for help. Her social worker, focused on the fact that K had been doing so well previously, suggested the possibility of a foster home placement. K said she would take whatever she could get. "Just get me out of here," was her sentiment.

Confession

The feedback I have received has been enormous, comforting, enlightening, and also surprising! Thanks for the emails, messages, phone calls, and posts. I truly wish I had started this blog months ago. I want to share why I didn't.

I haven't been very open about our home life with family and friends lately and I regret that. In the beginning I didn't share because I wanted to protect K's privacy and was worried she would be judged, we would be judged, and that people wouldn't support our efforts to continue to stick with her. She was sneaking out of the house at night, skipping classes, using drugs and alcohol, stealing, lying, struggling with the pain of her birth mom withholding visits from her little brother, and she had lots of anxiety and depression surrounding all those things. Then as time went by I simply felt we were failing miserably. I was scared the social workers were going to think us unfit and fire us. I was embarrassed. I was sad. I tend to withdraw when I'm sad and so I didn't talk to anyone except my husband about how hard things were or about how I felt.

He's an amazing husband and dad by the way. I truly feel that this experience has drawn us closer together. We are a unified front (most of the time ;) and are each other's parenting cheerleaders. He has been able to relate to K on so many different levels and has been able to show me a different perspective when I was feeling so frustrated, or hurt, or angry. I could never in a million years do this without him. He is my rock in all this.

I know to some it looked like we were hiding things and  I guess to an extent we were. All that did was alienate us from our friends and make us feel even more alone. I think what moved me to allow such a distance to grow was that I feared that question "How much will you be able to take before you give up on her?" I feared hearing it and above all I feared having to answer it. We are now facing some bottom lines and that is a scary place but also empowering and along with a sense of relief has come strength. I do think we can make this work, I do feel like we can be a family (maybe not the one we thought about starting out but a loving family still) and I know that we can't do it without the love and support of our friends and family. Thanks to all of you who have reached out with words as well as deeds. It means more to us that you know.

Push us away so you can't be hurt by our love

So I've never written in a blog before and I figured the easiest way to get started would be to copy some of my recent journal entries. I usually only journal when I'm upset and trying to figure things out so unfortunately I'm not starting out sharing at a very happy time. But it will give you a glimpse of my life and force me to be open about what I'm going through. And sharing your deepest darkest thoughts and feelings is therapeutic right??

I probably should give some background. K has been with us since December, so 9 months. She just turned 17 and oh, what where we thinking? We wanted to give a safe, loving home to someone who didn't have one. We've been dabbling in the foster/adoption scene and have seen and heard a lot. Teenagers in the system are neglected and forgotten, most of them sit in group homes till they are 18 and then turn to the streets. That is unacceptable to me. Why not try to save one? At least try. So here I go. Kind of starting backwards here at month 9 but I'll take some time in future posts to start from the beginning.

Whew, deep breath.....

     It's hard to love someone who considers herself unlovable. Damn near impossible really. How far can she push us away till it gets to the point where we can't take it anymore? Is it worth the trouble to get to that point? Won't she show us how completely ugly she can be until we can't even look her in the face anymore? I'm beginning to be unable to feel sympathy. I guess that's what she wants. To push us away so that she can't be hurt by our love. It's so hard not to take it personally though. I think that's my biggest problem. And then I obsess, lose sleep, don't eat. The social workers say: Set rules, uphold consequences and at the same time show that we love and care for her. WAY easier said than done. I feel like half the time I can barely breathe in her presence. What is it that I fear? Loss. I fear the loss of her will to fight. To get herself out of this mess, this hole she has dug. But the truth is we are living this fear. She is losing herself to the life that her birth mother cut out for her. She is fulfilling the prophecy of what her mother has wished upon her through her abandonment. I want to save her from this. And I expect her to want to save herself, but is she capable? I want to believe that she is but time and time again I am utterly disappointed. Lying, stealing, ditching school, and throwing away opportunity after opportunity. I'm just disgusted. She's no longer beautiful to me. I'm haunted by the girl she could become, by the girl I want her to be. But if she does not want to be that girl then what more can I do? I can emulate a caring, loving mother but if she is bent on the destruction of our relationship then who is the fool? The one who tries and fails (me!). Or more appropriately the one who didn't get the freaking hint (me!). Do I just love her through all her pain and ugliness? Yes! But how???

I want to think of her as mine but part of me doesn't want her the way she is. She's broken and prickly and painful. And when she walked in the door she wore a disguise. A smile and sweetness. I know, we should have been prepared. But stupidly, I feel cheated. Expectations create painful situations sometimes. And it's so easy to make mistakes. Have we done anything right? Doesn't feel like it. There are always so many more questions than answers.