I'm just going to admit now that I've been in a funk. I've avoided writing because it's painful and often scary to share my thoughts and feelings. But today, in this new year, hopefully I can convince myself to consistently write. It's what I really need even though it's not always what I want.
The good news is we have healed and rested and are ready to foster again. My great fear was that we were done and that just didn't feel right to me. It felt like the abandonment of a dream, the loss of purpose in our lives. But time heals all wounds. I feel like we learned SO much and have lowered our expectations. I also feel like the lowering of expectations isn't always a bad thing. In our case, it will just make things easier and still fulfill our goal of helping kids. We aren't so concerned about the whole adoption thing. If it happens great, if it doesn't, fine. We just want to put ourselves out there and see what comes along. We've done a little respite care which is basically babysitting for other foster parents and that has been nice.
I'm going to copy from my journal an entry that I wrote a couple months ago. I want to make clear that we aren't some big religious family. I was raised going to church and my husband wasn't. Over the years I've done my fair share of questioning everything that I was ever taught growing up and I think I've settled into a good place. We found a church we really like that is all about helping the community. Ironically enough over the years they have become big advocates for fostering and adoption and I think that has kept our chins up through all the doubts we've had in our foster care experiences...
Each Sunday as I sit in church I find myself feeling that conviction (such a "church" word) to foster children. I just can't shake this feeling that there's a child out there meant for us. One that will be a perfect fit. I don't mean that it will be easy. No, taking in a broken child is never easy. But I just feel like God has a plan, and that child will make his or her way home. To OUR home. And his or her life will be changed for the better and we will just know that it's right. I don't want to give up on that dream. The loss of that dream weighs heavy on my heart. What if we miss it? What if we wait too long? What if we've already waited too long and that child is gone? Lost. Maybe K was it. We've certainly lost her. I feel a hole was left and that it's meant to be filled again. And the longer we sit and mourn that loss, the longer the next child must wait. All these children sit and wait. They waited through abuse and neglect and they wait to be loved. Most give up. I feel responsible in a way. How many kids gave up today? That little light in their eyes puffed out because they just couldn't take it anymore? I feel like not giving our home, our hearts, we are in essence taking away from what they deserve. Just a home, just a family who loves them. This basic right so many of us take for granted. I know it's not everyone's "calling" to be foster parents. But I do believe it's mine and right now as I go through my simple life that's quiet and slow, I feel sad. If you don't have a purpose to your life, what do you have? I guess I just don't feel like I'm living...
So obviously I was feeling a little dramatic when I wrote that but it felt good to get it out on paper. I have felt a little lost lately. Like I'm a bump on a log and writing this stuff helps motivate me. By nature I am a very lazy person. Although I think that laziness is fueled by depression. Or vice versa? That's frustrating.
