So I've never written in a blog before and I figured the easiest way to get started would be to copy some of my recent journal entries. I usually only journal when I'm upset and trying to figure things out so unfortunately I'm not starting out sharing at a very happy time. But it will give you a glimpse of my life and force me to be open about what I'm going through. And sharing your deepest darkest thoughts and feelings is therapeutic right??
I probably should give some background. K has been with us since December, so 9 months. She just turned 17 and oh, what where we thinking? We wanted to give a safe, loving home to someone who didn't have one. We've been dabbling in the foster/adoption scene and have seen and heard a lot. Teenagers in the system are neglected and forgotten, most of them sit in group homes till they are 18 and then turn to the streets. That is unacceptable to me. Why not try to save one? At least try. So here I go. Kind of starting backwards here at month 9 but I'll take some time in future posts to start from the beginning.
Whew, deep breath.....
It's hard to love someone who considers herself unlovable. Damn near impossible really. How far can she push us away till it gets to the point where we can't take it anymore? Is it worth the trouble to get to that point? Won't she show us how completely ugly she can be until we can't even look her in the face anymore? I'm beginning to be unable to feel sympathy. I guess that's what she wants. To push us away so that she can't be hurt by our love. It's so hard not to take it personally though. I think that's my biggest problem. And then I obsess, lose sleep, don't eat. The social workers say: Set rules, uphold consequences and at the same time show that we love and care for her. WAY easier said than done. I feel like half the time I can barely breathe in her presence. What is it that I fear? Loss. I fear the loss of her will to fight. To get herself out of this mess, this hole she has dug. But the truth is we are living this fear. She is losing herself to the life that her birth mother cut out for her. She is fulfilling the prophecy of what her mother has wished upon her through her abandonment. I want to save her from this. And I expect her to want to save herself, but is she capable? I want to believe that she is but time and time again I am utterly disappointed. Lying, stealing, ditching school, and throwing away opportunity after opportunity. I'm just disgusted. She's no longer beautiful to me. I'm haunted by the girl she could become, by the girl I want her to be. But if she does not want to be that girl then what more can I do? I can emulate a caring, loving mother but if she is bent on the destruction of our relationship then who is the fool? The one who tries and fails (me!). Or more appropriately the one who didn't get the freaking hint (me!). Do I just love her through all her pain and ugliness? Yes! But how???
I want to think of her as mine but part of me doesn't want her the way she is. She's broken and prickly and painful. And when she walked in the door she wore a disguise. A smile and sweetness. I know, we should have been prepared. But stupidly, I feel cheated. Expectations create painful situations sometimes. And it's so easy to make mistakes. Have we done anything right? Doesn't feel like it. There are always so many more questions than answers.
