Holding our breath

About a month ago we were told that the girls would be going back to their bio mom in 10 days. We were mad, we were scared. We kicked and screamed, we cried, we couldn't believe it. Then we started to accept it, sort of. And then they stayed.  They are here, safe and sound in their beds at this very moment. No sleepless nights for me to endure yet; wondering if they are scared or hungry or worse.

Days before they were to go back to bio mom we found out she was in some kind of trouble and subsequently didn't show up to a visit, and then missed the next, and I was told all visits were to then be monitored and that the girls weren't going back as planned. Our world had just begun to screech to a halt and then all of a sudden everything was back to as normal as it could be. Summer is here, girls are happy, swimming lessons and field trips at daycare, camping trips and a birthday for Big A. Luckily I had not mentioned the return home too much so the girls weren't caught off guard with the change in plans. Things have been so consistently inconsistent in the past year that I don't often promise things or talk too much about future plans until they are right upon us. Then the girls are less likely to be disappointed and don't have to face as many potential worries. This has also created a level of trust that they have never had before.

There was going to be a week of transition where they were going to spend each day having unmonitored visits with bio mom and spending the nights with us and then they would be gone. A clean break, cold turkey from their life of stability. I cannot adequately describe my relief when I heard they were staying. Whew! Somehow dodged that bullet. Honestly, it's pretty darn close to a miracle if you really think about it. I mean, they could have very easily been put in a very sketchy situation and it was only days away from happening.

I'll admit I had mixed emotions when I finally accepted that they were leaving. Of course I was devastated but also a tiny kernel of relief was in there too. I mean, our old lives back--  sleeping in, no need for a babysitter when we want to go out, no screaming, no whining, just quiet. And as glorious as that all sounds, I was readying myself for a pretty big emotional breakdown after they were to leave. I mean, these are my girls. But I knew I would recover and start over again and in the long run, it would be ok for me. Life goes on. But I was not able to picture a successful life for these girls with their birth mom, no matter how hard I tried and that was breaking my heart. And I acknowledge that it can still happen. My girls can go back to the lady who gave birth to them, the one they call mom and God bless them they love her. But she continually disappoints and chips away at their trust.

I feel guilty when I'm happy after she misses visits (a whole week in a row at present) and I know that she's slipping and most likely the thought of dealing with the burden of her children is sending her back into whatever dark places she's lived in for years. But all I can do is hope and pray that she is not allowed to take them back to that dark place again.

So we are waiting. Again. And just living fully in each moment. We are celebrating Big A's bday this week with a pool party, Little A is talking up a storm and both girls have a peace about them that I am seeing emerge more and more every day. We still have our ups and downs, but they are fewer and further between and a lot less bumpy these days. Though I am truly looking forward to the day when we can breath a little easier knowing they are ours, all we can do is hold that breath for now and wait and see. And of course, back to that livin' in the moment thing and having a little fun in the meantime :)