Today

My friend M encouraged me to just write and don't post chronologically (I had to use spell-check to get that right!) and I'm taking her advice. I think that's part of why I haven't blogged is because I used to journal and then sit down and copy it here. All in order, nice and tidy. Since I don't deal with tidy anymore (I'm changing diapers again people!) I'll just toss my old ways.

I don't journal anymore because my brain is too fried at the end of the day! I bought a new, shiny, cute little journal months and months ago and it sits empty and blank on my bedside table. I look at it, if that counts! But usually that makes me feel guilty about not writing so I just don't even look at it most of the time. I'm pretty sure it has a fine coat of dust to keep it company. It hasn't started whispering to me yet so I take that as a sign that i'm still mostly sane, just too lazy and unmotivated to write. Yay me!

So here I am, with 2 little girls. Sisters. I'll call them Big A (6 yrs. old) and Little A (2 yrs.old) here for the sake of privacy. We are well into the easier stretch, past the honeymoon and it's being over and the crap that goes with that. A peace has come with school starting and implementing a very predictable schedule. Finally. I really thought I wouldn't be able to do it for much longer, they were very high needs at first and being that we didn't have much experience with this, it was hard-- In a much different way than fostering has been hard in the past. This young age is a lot different and both girls have a lot of difficulty with communication and that has been a big problem. But we are all figuring each other out and that is comforting.

Today they have been here 5 months. It's a bittersweet time because we have worked hard for and established some consistency for them and so they are a little happier, a lot healthier, and making up for lost time on so many fronts. Too be honest they are two completely different kids from the ones that showed up on our doorstep. I'll talk about that more in another post, or two or three. It's a big story. Their improvement is the sweet part. I think the bitter part is the fact that there is talk of returning them "home" (a very relative term. In this case it means back to their birth parents who did not take good care of them) by the end of the year. And that fact in itself is also bittersweet (maybe I should change the name of this post?) because sometimes they are just. so. hard. We are at a point where if we get too much more attached to these little gals, it's gonna get way harder emotionally.

I can feel the turning point and it's now, today, last week, next week, tomorrow, I'm not sure. We've tried to create a safe and secure life for them and intertwined our hearts in the process and they thrive here even as they long for their parents who didn't care for them. It's so darn painful to watch. Can I use that word again, Bittersweet?