A tragic love story -Part 2

We have been in the foster care system for several years now. Sometime soon I'll post the story of how we got into this business (we're crazy??!!) but for now I'll just explain that it's a long tedious process involving a home study where they put you under a microscope, ask about all your dirty little secrets and to also empty out all the skeletons in your closet (enough cliche's there?). It's not the most fun process and also involves re-certifications each year. They have to weed out all the freaks and serial killers. We passed their inspections and we waited. See, we wanted to adopt a little girl. There was sure to be a little girl out there, ages 4-8 who needed a home right? It proved to be much more complicated that we thought and so we decided to do an emergency placement for a 7 year old girl who was removed from her drug abusing mother. They called us desperate because although they knew we wanted a girl who was legally free, they had exhausted their emergency list and hoped we would cave which we did...We had her for 3 months before she was returned to her father. It was emotional roller coaster (notice a trend?) but we learned a lot (again that damn trend...) and decided to do something absolutely insane and foster a teenager. At the time it seemed like a good idea. I still stand by my stance that these kids are forgotten and they need help. We decided to give it a try.

So back to my tragic love story...
Around the same time that K was asking her social worker for a new placement, we had called social services letting them know that we were tired of waiting for a little girl who was legally free to adopt and we had interest in providing a home to a teenage girl. I had been reading about how disposable teens are in the system, especially older one's who age out at 18. (I really need to stay away from non-fiction. There are certain topics that get me too riled up.) Most of them end up on the street or in jail or back with their parents who abused and neglected them. We knew that there would be a large group of kids that we would not be able to take into our home. Because of our young son we had some parameters. She had to want to be in our home. We didn't want to create chaos from the beginning by taking in a habitual runaway. K had never attempted to run away from the group home. She ran away from her mother's home to avoid abuse. Since then she had mostly thrived and shown promise in a stable environment. She was sweet, caring, smart, funny and quite charming. Not to mention absolutely beautiful with a captivating smile. Besides wanting to be in our home, we were looking for a girl who wanted to be a good big sister to our son. K again fit this mold. She had left behind a younger brother around our son's age whom she had practically raised herself and dearly missed. We also said that we didn't want any active drug or alcohol use or abuse to take place in our home. Although K had recently had a slip with alcohol use, it was attributed to the fact that living in the group home was causing her to experience depression and act out in negative ways. When we got the call about K the week after letting them know about our change of status, they were excited to tell us about her. She fit our list of criteria. She had made some mistakes but just needed help. A stable home to take her in and give her what was lacking from the group home, and especially her birth family-- unconditional love. And what a match, because we had so much to give!

We started getting phone calls daily from the placement worker (social worker who assists in finding families for specific kids) ans she set up a meeting to involve K's team: the group home director, K's social worker, our resource worker (our family's personal social worker), K's GAL (attorney), K's probation officer, and K's therapist. We had been able to hear a relatively complete background on K from her social worker prior to that first meeting so we weren't really surprised by much of the negative things they had to say about her. In fact, we were surprised that they had many more positive things to say. Each person at the table was excited to tell us about what a great girl she was. And looking back I don't believe that anyone was trying to deceive us. They were open and honest about K's problems but were also optimistic that she just needed a loving family to lead her on her way to a life she deserved. Her GAL said the most touching words that day and we knew right then that everyone around the table just wanted to try and help this girl. "We have failed her and I am ashamed," he said. He didn't believe that K was a girl meant to live in a group home and her potential was being wasted there. He thanked us for our consideration and expressed his happiness for this possible opportunity for K.

Our big question for everyone at that meeting was if she is as great as everyone says, why is she in a group home and not already in a foster home? The answer was simply that most foster homes aren't willing to take in teens. At the time, I just could not understand this. These children are discarded by their parents who either aren't able or aren't willing to take care of them and our society shuns them, putting them in various institutions only to turn them out when they are considered legal adults at age 18. And for these kids, 18 isn't anywhere close to adulthood. They are sent out with little or no direction or help of any kind. This is not ok with me! This system is broken. We need to step up and help. These are children for god's sake. Children who had absolutely no say in who they are born to and no choices at all in who cares for them. The only choice they have is who to love and sadly by the time their parents are finished with them and they are forced into this broken system, most of these kids become incapable of giving or receiving love.

We found this out the hard way. I hate to ruin the end for you but our love story ends with broken hearts.